The Guardian and Trainie

The Guardian and Trainie
Nick and Babe

Friday, April 2, 2010


The love of my life then.  The love of my life now.  Same guy!

What about those things?  Memories that float around in your brain popping up sometimes completely unexpected.  What about those memories?  They can send you into convulsive laughter and they can set the flood waters loose.  Well last night out of no where the flood waters were set loose.  Do you want to hear about them?  What do you think when one shares their deeper most inner feelings?  Does it scare you?  Is it embarrassing?  What?  Does it even matter?  Do you just lend an open ear?  Well let me tell you some more about me.  Here I am in front of my computer writing.  I do not start with something in mind to talk about.  Stuff just begins to flow.  I do not sit here with any particular intentions other than to write.  So enter these pages with an open mind and heart for what you might experience is up for grabs.
Do you ever think about your regrets?  Do you have any?  What do you do about them?  Can you do anything about them?  Do you ever think about leaving this place and talk to yourself about what it is you are doing and are you going to have any regrets?  I do think about these things.  I think about my girls first.  They are my number one.  I think we had a decent life.  We lived in a lot of interesting places, did some exciting things.  But it was not an uneventful life.  Happiness, fun yes we had our share of these feelings and experiences.  Sadness and stress we are familiar with these also.  Are we the better, stronger for these life experiences?  I believe so.  Would my girls feel the same?  I think so.  We did not live a conventional life!  I cannot say I didn't want to for no matter how much I believe that I am doing my own thing I realize I am influenced by society and the world we all share.  Outside pressures as to how people think things should be is incredibly difficult to keep at bay.   It is a constant struggle to stand up in the face of adversity and do what you think is right for you.  Decisions come and go directing the path of our lives and sometimes we no not where we will end up.  The decisions that I have made in my life were never with the intentions of hurting anyone!  People are hurt sure but I never intentionally set out to cause pain.  Struggle I have.  It seems to have been a prerequisite in my life.  Not that I ever expected things to be easy but I have wished that things would let up a little.  Don't get me wrong I appreciate so much.  I mean look at where I live for one.  I have three beautiful daughters.  They are healthy, have great partners and I have three beautiful grand kids.  I am thankful.
I am human.  I do have my regrets and they began before my girls were born.  This is a confessional day for me I guess.
I regret that I never finished High School.  I love learning.  I continue to learn to this day. 
I regret that I didn't stay with Al. He is the love of my life.  I was just to young to know any better.
The rest is water under the bridge.  I have made every effort to learn everything and anything my heart desires.  Whether or not I have a piece of paper to say I graduated doesn't really matter to me.  But it does matter to the world at large.  Me and Al are back together after 35 plus years and we love each other deeply.  We are working out our issues.  We both were terribly hurt by our split way back when and we have a lot of healing to do.   But hey life goes on and we intend to live it to the fullest.  I have some things I would change if I could but I can't take back what has already been done.  Maybe in another life huh?  Here and now I will do what I can to spread my love and happiness to those I care about and some of those I do not even know.  I love my life and the journey I am on.  Know you are loved and I hope that I can touch you deeply.  Namaste my friend.

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